December 15, 2009

A Debate Over Water Conservation
by Jennie Cano

Mediator: First question. Senator Red, you claim to be a proponent of resource conservation with an emphasis on clean water. How do you propose to implement change in that area?

Red: Well, first of all, I would like to thank everyone for being here today. It is an honor to speak here for you. And I would like to say that my heart goes out to Senator Green's sister's best friends brother-in-law who is undergoing a vasectomy today. You're in my prayers. Now, as you know, I am a proponent of conserving water. My method of implementation is very simple. Were going to take measures to save on usage in bathrooms.

Mediator: Could you be more specific?

Red: Yes. I plan to install signs above every toilet in every federal building across the country that read "If it's yellow, leave it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down."

(sound of audience unrest)

Mediator: Ahem. Excuse me, sir?

Red: You see, "leaving it 'mellow'" means that when you pee in the toilet, you do not flush. Saves butt-loads of water. And what better place than federal buildings? No one oozes more excrement than politicians. I should know- I am one. (winks) Which means that we're responsible for quite a bit of water usage...

Blue: I'm going to have to interject here. Are you trying to tell me that the congressional hall is going to have toilets full of stinky, anti-depressant infested urine?

Red: Yes, that is exactly what I am telling you.

Blue: That's an outrage!

Red: Why? If there is one person in this room who does not pee, raise their hand. (Upon seeing someone in the audience with a raised hand) Sir, you're telling me that you do not pee?

Audience member: I have a ruptured urinary tract. My pee goes directly into a tube. I have my piss bag right here. (holds up bag full of yellowy-orange liquid)

(ooohs and ahhhs from the audience)

Red: My heart goes out to you sir and your condition. But you do indeed create urine, and I think this is something that we can all come together on and find a common... a common... anyway, we all pee. That's what I'm trying to say. And maybe if everyone in the world would recognize that we all urinate, we would see that we're not all that different, me and you. I pee. You pee. We all pee for pee pee. Vote for me. (puts thumb up)

(audience cheers)

Blue: Ahem. My fellow Americans, there are many difficulties with my opponents plan. First, a federal building should be a sanctuary from the filth of humanity and exude the utmost purity and sanitation. Second of all, who do you think is going to pay for these "If it's yellow, leave it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down" signs? YOU, that's who! We're talking BILLIONS of taxpaying dollars so that you can fill your nostrils with the stench of feces!

Red: Now, now, Senator Blue, be fair. "If it's brown, flush it down" implies that feces will be flushed down the pipes and away from human senses...

Blue: Assuming the perpetrator is literate!

Red: Well, don't worry. When you see the sign, sir, you'll know what to do!

(audience oooohhs)

Mediator: ORDER! ORDER!