December 2, 2009

Drunk Messaging Through the Ages
by Jonathan Ade (of The BHPS and JonoKino)

While social drink has a long, impactful history in human culture, inebriation has been proven to cause excess, even embarrassing levels of communication. This is often referred to by teenagers as "TMI," an acronym for which there is still no clear definition.

The advent of communicative technology has exacerbated the trend, allowing drunk men and women to speak freely with their peers, ex-carnal partners and/or commanding officers at a moment's notice. This is often referred to as "drunk dialing," although the term is thought of as an umbrella which includes "drunk texting", "drunk tweeting" and "drunk poking", the last of which is unfortunately not limited to the internet.

What many people do not realize is that drunk messaging did not emerge as a side-effect of cellular telephones. On the contrary, as long as there has been "wasted" "shit-faced" or "charming" human beings, there have been records of an embarrassing or immature nature. In fact, as soon as our human ancestors developed higher reasoning and capability for symbolic expression, it was almost immediately abused by the influence of "crunk."

The oldest "drunk message" was discovered forty years ago in the deep forests of Europe. Archeologists had already expected to discover humanity's earliest example of cave paintings of familiar fauna such as bison or deer. What they weren't expecting was a crudely rendered phallus, forcing the aforementioned bison into a state of fellatio. The deer reportedly could not look away.

Gaps in human prehistory made drunk communication difficult to record, and many attempts were made to cover up mistakes due to the drunken whimsy of "no, seriously, we should really do this." The Hammurabi Code, often the source for the judicial precept "an eye for an eye" was originally recorded as, "Ow! You poked out my eye! I'm gonna fuckin'... uh, I'm gonna poke out YOUR eye.... with my DICK." The final draft was rendered the following morning.

When asked about the founding of their country, most civically-minded Americans would immediately recall the story of Paul Revere. What they might not have known was that Mr. Revere was a terrible drunk, and when he arrived declaring, "The British are Coming, the British are Coming!", there was immediately a communal sigh, followed by "That was seven years ago, Paul." Mr. Revere was said to have immediately vomited in Independence Hall, as some kind of "Yankee payback."

During the 19th century, the United States saw increased settlement to the far-flung and dangerous American West. To keep in contact with their families back East, settlers would often erect telegram stations. Thomas J. Haneke was the chief operator of the telegraph office in Bunst, Montana, and on New Years Day, 1862, the office received its first communique:

"TOM. STOP. YOURRRE GAYY. STOP."

Thomas was in fact, at the time of receipt, a homosexual. The news was not welcome to the town of Bunst, and he was tarred and feathered immediately to prevent the homosexuality from spreading.

The very first phone conversation, between Alexander Graham Bell and his assistant, was recorded as "Watson, come here, I need you." What was not commonly known was what happened that evening, after the celebration of the telephone's success. Mr. Bell was discovered at his newly invented device at four in the morning, moaning "Watson. I need you. No, I'm really serious. I fuckin' need you, man. You don't even know how... man, I rag on you, I rag on you, but I love you. You're my assistant and... I couldn't love with you. You know? You taught me how to love." Watson had reportedly already gone home long before Mr. Bell placed the call.

Telephone conversation remained, however, a luxury for the rich. Many inner-city dwellers around this time relied on passenger pigeons to deliver their messages. But like a text mistakenly sent to the wrong recipient, pigeons were found to be even less reliable, especially after St. Patrick's Day. Respectable women of the day would receive fowl notes on the windowsill, reading, "UR the faairest in the Lamb," often from two or three birds and always with a variety of grammatical "choices". If the lady in question replied, "I respectfully decline your offer" or "this bird smells of drink", she would immediately receive another pigeon, wearing the message "whorre." This was also the cause of the Spanish-American war.

Many scientists have suggested that drunk communication has reached its zenith point in 21st century popular culture. It can be seen in every facet of our lives, from the "snuggie" to Sarah Palin's inexplicable, inebriated opus Going Rogue. And so drunk communication, from its humble beginnings as dick graffiti, has evolved into a strong voice in popular culture. Who knows where we'll shame ourselves next? The moon? Another planet teeming with embarrassed life forms? Only time, and around ten Irish car bombs on an empty stomach, can really tell us.

For Marginalized History Weekly, I'm Jonathan Ade.

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This essay provides only the briefest of overviews of drunk communication. Although countless primary and secondary sources went into the writing of this article, the author would be negligent if he did not cite three important works: "I Cannot Tell a Lie": George Washington and 100 Proof Sarsaparilla by P.R. Potoco, The Cock Heard Round the World by Dr. Elena Brocton and Four Score and Fuck You Thomas Jefferson, I Fuckin' Freed the Fuckin' Slaves, All You Did Was Fuck the Slaves, a 10-part documentary series by Ken Burns.