November 23, 2009
The True Meaning of Thanksgiving
by Isaac Sparrer (visit Common Folk Tales)
Unlike other holidays, Thanksgiving doesn't require presents, decorations, or alcohol. Nope. All you need is family togetherness and a turkey dinner.
What a rip off.
At some point we all got played into believing the stupid sob story of some stupid Puritans who were so damn annoying they got kicked out of their home country, sailed across the ocean to land they couldn't farm, but miraculously survived because of some friendly Natives (whom they later slaughtered). It is an irritating tale that proves Natural Selection is wrong, because these inbred morons who wore belt buckles on every damn garment passed their prudish seeds on to most Americans.
Which brings us to the modern Thanksgiving, a day we all sit down with our families and pretend to like each other.
Allow me to share what this often looks like for my family:
* * *
Thanksgiving 1996:
DAD:
And let us all give thanks to your mother for cooking this wonderful turkey dinner. Every year you out-do yourself, sweetheart.
MOM:
Oh, Arthur, that's so nice of you to say.
GRANDPA BORRIS:
Are we done holding with hands? I'd like to gum some food before I need diaper change.
* * *
Thanksgiving 1999:
DARLENE:
Mom! Joey kicked me!
MOM:
Oh for Chrissakes! Then kick him back!
JOEY:
Dad! Mom's telling Darlene to kick me!
DAD:
She sure did.
AUNT CAROL:
Arthur, your father keeps pinching my ass.
DAD:
Ha, yeah. I gave him Viagra instead of his heart meds.
* * *
Thanksgiving 2001:
MOM:
I'm just so thankful to have all my children under one roof today. Though we're all getting older it still means a lot to me.
DAD:
Aww, that's so sweet. Not at all contrived... Isaac, it's your turn. What are you thankful for?
ME:
You guys ever hear of a thing called Valium...?
* * *
Thanksgiving 2002:
DARLENE:
And I pray that somewhere up in heaven Grandpa Borris is looking down on us and enjoying a Thanksgiving meal with God and Jesus. Amen.
JOEY:
You think he has his teeth back?
DAD:
No, he left his teeth in a jar down here. It's over the fireplace.
* * *
Thanksgiving 2003:
MOM:
All I wanted was to have a nice meal with my children! But you had to ruin that, didn't you, Arthur?! It always has to be about you! Never about me! What about my needs?!
DAD:
Wah wah wah! There she goes again! Am I right, kids?! She never stops whining! And you kids wonder why I left!
MOM:
Don't you talk to them about me like that! You tell them the truth! Tell them about that young tramp you're living with now! Tell them about the baby she had while you were still with me!
DAD:
Can you kids believe this?! Do you really believe the lies she's--
DARLENE:
I'm pregnant!
(Silence)
* * *
Thanksgiving 2005:
MOM:
And, and, and I gotta say, I just got to say I'm thankful my new man, my new boyfriend Steve, yes you sugar baby, for coming to celebrate with my, my children this year... ain't that right, Stevey?
STEVE:
Aw thanks, sugar cans. You know I'd do anything for you--
BABY BILLY:
Waaaaaah! Waaaaahhaaaaaaawwwh!
MOM:
Darlene, god damnit! Shut up that stupid bastard up!
DARLENE:
You shut up, you drunk! Billy's just a baby!
MOM:
We should a made you get the abortion!
* * *
Thanksgiving 2006:
JOEY:
Dude... I... I feel really good... do you really feel really good...?
ME:
Yeah man... I do feel good, it's 'cause... it's 'cause I tricked Mom into cooking the turkey with pot butter...
JOEY:
Oh man... oh that's... that's just awesome...
* * *
Thanksgiving 2007:
DAD:
You kids know what I'm thankful for? I'm thankful your damn whore mother let me have Thanksgiving dinner with my own children for the first time in three years.
JOEY:
I'm thankful to be eating on card tables.
DARLENE:
I'm thankful Billy's had his tetanus shot.
* * *
Thanksgiving 2008:
MOM:
Oh it's just so nice for us all to be back together. I'm just so--mmmmm yes-- I'm so thankful--oh-ho! Arthur!
DAD:
Uh-huh, that's right sugar honey, daddy's back!
MOM:
Arthur! Please, control yourself--mmmm, that's nice...
DARLENE:
I'm thankful for therapy.
JOEY:
Does yours do bulk rates?
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